Living with Toxic People

Do you know a toxic person ? Do you know someone who has many of theses traits ? They can have a few of them, or all of them. Do you know how to recognize them ?

Dishonest – Cheating, lying, deliberate withholding information, being deliberately deceptive..

Gaslighting –  A form of manipulation, that is used to isolate you from your friends, family, people you care about. They tell you all the negative things they think is right about the people around you and tell you, you are much better without them.

Narcissist – People have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek a lot of attention from other people. They want to be admired, they love getting attention and admiration.

The Victim – They often refuse to take responsibility for their actions. They have a need to be right, to play the victim. In a world where they can’t be wrong. Everyone else is wrong, except them. They know the absolute truth about everything. Their knowledge has no boundaries.

They make you feel drained – They’re very negative about everything. Even if you try to help them with solutions, they never listen to anyone else, because they can’t be wrong. They constantly talk about their problems, every single time, leaving you feeling drained. There is never one thing that makes them happy that they talk about.

Lack of empathy – They usually don’t like having animals around very much, or if they do, they don’t see them as sentient being, with feelings, emotions, fear. They don’t feel sadness when the animal pass away. They often view animals as object rather than a companion to share your life with. The animal has a use for them, nothing else.

They never apologize – That’s because they can never be wrong. They will never admit that they can do anything wrong. You on the other hand, might feel like you constantly have to apologize to them. They often expect you to reach out to them and will expect an apology.

Controlling – They might try to keep you from contacting, friends, family or restrict your access to resources. They might read your phone texts, messages, emails. They will keep a close eye on everything that you do. They love controlling every aspects in a relationship. They know your weak points and will use it against you. They often get in a relationship with a person that they can easily control.

Manipulative – Manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting, lying, blaming, criticizing, and shaming a person.

Arrogance – They believe they are more intelligent and more important than others. They love putting you down, calling you names, telling you that you are worth less than nothing.

Know anyone that has these traits ? Someone in your life, that is toxic ? We might ask ourselves, what are we supposed to do, when confronted with someone like that. I personally have known three people like this in my life, at different times. The first person was my mother. She had almost every single trait listed above except a few.

I sure do. My own mother had almost all of these traits, and almost everyone on her side of the family do too, except a few people. The worst thing about it, is that these people don’t even realize what they are doing. By being this way and having these traits, they tend to push people away from them, because it becomes too overbearing to deal with. I eventually had to cut out ties with my own mother, because I could not keep going like I was. There are many more personal facts that played in this decision, it was not an easy one, let me tell you that. Having to cut a relationship with your own mother is a very painful, a difficult decision that you have to make. But sometimes, it is the best decision that you can make, for your mental health and well being.

She was constantly draining me. I even told my husband several times that I couldn’t take it anymore. All she would talk about all the time, on the phone with me, was all the bills she had to pay, all the work she still had to do on her house, everything that she needed to do with the house, how it wasn’t easy to have to take care of my father, because he had dementia. Even if I tried to offer her solutions, she would just completely ignore everything that I would say, to help her. She also was never wrong, ever, about anything. She knew everything about every single thing. She never apologized ever, for anything she might have done. She refuses to admit that she ever did anything wrong.

She would never go out of her way, to reconcile with someone close, because nothing was ever her fault. It was everyone else, but hers. She would control my dad, by making him feel guilty about going to see his family for Christmas. She told him he could go, just to get mad after he went to visit them. She was controlling him, keeping him away from his family, because she always thought in her head that my dad’s family never liked her. So she would turn my dad and us children against my dad’s family. This is how toxic people can really be. They are nice in front of everyone, but behind closed doors, they have totally different personalities.

For my own mental health, my own happiness, and my marriage, I decided to just completely cut ties with her. I just couldn’t do it anymore. When you are around such a toxic person, there really is nothing at all that you can do to help them. They refuse to admit that there is anything wrong with them, or seek any help.

The second toxic person I have known in my life was my childhood best friend. She suffered a pretty bad, abusive childhood too and I believe that really affected her. Unfortunately, I had to end our friendship as well for my well being. Pulling away from such people is the best thing you can do for yourself and your well being. I had the best childhood with that friend. I will call her Jane. We had a lot of fun, adventures, laughs and honestly, just the best time ever. We liked a lot of the same things, and we just got along very well. But then we grew older.

I made different friends as well, that I started hanging out with. One day, the dreaded call came. Being a coward, she had her mother call me at home to tell me that her daughter did not want to see me anymore, and she never told me why. That made me sick to my stomach honestly. It was like a bad breakup. I didn’t understand what I did wrong, or what happened. I suspect that she got jealous, that I started hanging out a lot with two other girls ( I have always been really friendly and social) but she never told me the real truth.

Fast forward later, she found me on Facebook. You see, I never reach out to other people, because I don’t want to get hurt. I have been hurt so much in my life that I am trying to avoid, and stay away from people that I think, or know would hurt me. I just want to live my life, be happy, raise animals, be a decent wife to my husband, and just live the rest of my life as happily as I can, since pretty much all of it was painful, full of sadness, heartbreaks and other emotions hard to deal with. I wanted to focus on myself. Which is why I went to seek help and started taking antidepressants to cope with my daily life. That really helped me a lot. I refused to be like my mother and ending up like her, alone and sad, not having accomplished anything in life to be proud of. Sure, I had a lot of loving memories, but I also wanted to start focusing on my happiness and myself, for once.

After many years, that friend reached out to me. I accepted her request and we started catching up and talking a lot via Facebook messenger. It was nice and I was happy to see she was doing well. Our lives were really different though. I moved to the USA years ago, became a citizen, and married my best friend. I made a lot of nice memories that I cherish, from my time in the US. I hope I can make many more. But for that, one has to focus on oneself and leave toxic people behind, for our best interest and well being. After talking to each other for a couple of years, something happened with my husband. But at that time, I suffered 4-5 mental breakdowns. I never had those before, and let me tell you, it’s not easy at all to go through that. I had one when my father passed away and I never thought I would experience more later in life. You literally fall on your knees, and just feel like the world has completely ended. There is no hope. The saddest sadness overcomes your whole body and mind, and you literally just feel like you don’t want to be a part of this world anymore. You just feel like there is no point in continuing beyond that point, and you think that maybe, taking your life might be the best option at that point. It’s very hard emotionally.

Years ago when I would get those feelings, I would shut down and just want to stay away from Facebook and talk to people until things got better for me, because I did not want to be like my mother, and talk about all my problems to everyone. I just wanted to keep everything inside, until things got better, and then when I was ready to talk about it, I would come back on Facebook and talk to my friends and family again. But Jane, that one time wanted to know everything that was happening, instead of respecting my wishes, to get off Facebook and come back when I am ready to talk. She pressured me over and over pushing me to talk about it. So i started getting annoyed and got quite rude, telling her that i would talk to her later, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer, got offended with me, started playing the victim, shaming, blaming me for her not having many friends to talk to, while i was dealing with my problems. After she sent me a hateful message, then blocked me, she started posting nasty comments on my Youtube videos, until i had to block her.

After that happened, she blocked me for a long time on Facebook, until she unblocked me again. Then I started checking her Facebook to see how she was doing, without reaching out to her, because I did not want to be in contact with her anymore, even though I still cared about her. Then after the loss of my dog, she posted a picture quote on her page, made it public, to make sure i see it, with the words “karma, always come back to get you”, or something like that. I felt like that was directed at me and the loss of my dog, like what happened between her and me, was karma for me losing my dog… After that she kept on posting certain things she would make sure to put on public, so I could see it, posting picture quotes that were passively attacking me.

A couple of months ago, I noticed that she was going to get a diagnosis for her condition, and I sent her a heartfelt message, telling her that I hoped it would go well. She responded months later, asking me who I was, and who was this person with a fake message checking her stuff she displayed on facebook publicly, messaging her about something that was none of my business. This is the exact reason why I never reached out to her again before that, and never will. With these kind of toxic people, there is nothing you can do or say. She was expecting an apology and did not get one. I did not feel like she deserve it. But i do apologize when i feel like i was in the wrong and that the person really deserve one.

The third toxic person is my sister’s boyfriend. I remember a while ago, when things were happening with my husband and I was talking about it with my sister and asking for her opinion. She is much younger than me, but I always found her to have a good head on her shoulders, being a smart girl, and a hard worker, just like my father. She reminds me of him in many ways. When i would talk to my sister on Facetime, Joe, (made up name for the article) would always control the conversation, by snatching the phone from her hands to talk to me. He would tell me to leave my husband, and go back to Quebec.

I would tell him, over and over again, that I had known my husband for a long time, we could actually talk things out like grown up adults and solve our problems, like the adults we are. I had no intention to go back to live in Quebec. I had my life here, my husband, my pets that I loved. But he would keep on pushing and pushing, literally harassing me to go back to live there, for years. He couldn’t respect my marriage at all. Then when he noticed I wouldn’t leave my husband, he would try to convince BOTH of us to go back to live in Quebec… my husband who speaks only English, and me with NO degree.

If that was not enough, he started pushing me to go after my mother, for the money that my father had after he passed away, as well as the house, that my mother paid off while she was working. He would claim that it was part of our inheritance and that she owed it to us, me and my sister. I absolutely don’t know or even understand why I agreed to do that, but I confronted my brother about it, and I know that I was absolutely wrong for doing that. I never ever cared about that, before I started speaking with Joe and he starts pushing me and my sister to do something as petty as that. You see, with these toxic people, they manage to eventually get in your head and convince you of doing things against your wishes, by pushing you over and over, putting pressure on you until you give in. I should’ve known better than that. Money has never been something important to me. We are not rich, but we have what we need and that is enough for me. Now i understand why my family doesn’t like Joe.

Every time I would talk to my sister, he would always grab the phone from her hands to talk to me, she would let him. Joe is around 20 years older than my sister. He does not work, he does not let my sister see any of her friends, he control every financial aspect, he reads all of her messages, emails. That’s what she told me, of him. He also love to give me lectures about things in general, like he is such a wise, know it all man. He calls my sister names, degrading her, he made her load up all of credit cars, ruined her credit, made her buy a new truck, an ATV, a house, all the while he is amassing a nice retirement for himself, has a perfect credit, no debts. She was under a lot of pressure, because she is completely ruining her life, with this guy. She won’t be able to get married, as i assume that he is on welfare and does not want to lose his check by getting married.

My sister has had enough of the situation, and about 3 months ago, came to me for help. She finally started to see things clearly, noticed all by herself that indeed, Mr Joe has narcissist, controlling, manipulative behaviors. She was super stressed about her situation, asking me for my advice, telling me that she could not keep going like that anymore, because it was causing her a huge amount of stress. She deals with really bad anxiety already as it is. She told me that she was thinking of leaving and was looking for a place to move. After everything that she told me, and that I knew about him, of course I told her that I thought it was in her best interest to leave and start over while she has a good job and she is young ! She can’t come see me because he won’t allow it. But he is speedy on offering me the money to go stay there, or go for my grandmother’s funeral. I have the suspicion, and she told me that he cannot leave the country and come to the USA, because of legal problems, so while she is with him, she will never be able to come see me.

If that isn’t a toxic relationship i don’t know what it is. I feel bad for her, I love her, but at the same time, i cannot deal with her boyfriend anymore. I was respecting her and him being together, and enduring his behaviors for many years, because of my sister. I did not want to make her sad by not wanting anything to do with him. I pointed out to her, his behaviors and she denied it. The other day, while i was talking to my sister, we had a really nice conversation, until Mr Joe pop up and grab the phone, then proceeded to tell me that i was not nice for telling my sister to leave him, after they had been together for 8 years…. I just could not believe what I was hearing. This is the same guy that harassed me for months before, to leave my husband to go back to live with them. He also started to analyze me psychologically and tell me that I was like this and that. This is when i just had enough and decided that i do not want anything to do with him anymore. She is in a toxic relationship, with a toxic, narcissist, manipulative 50 year old guy, that takes advantage of her, while she is the breadwinner. He is a controlling and manipulative person who sees nothing wrong at all in what he is doing. After seeing how he lectures me on Facetime, I can understand why my sister would so easily and readily believe anything that comes out of this guy’s mouth.

Unfortunately, she is a very naive, young woman, that has never been alone. I think she might be afraid of starting over and is ruining her life because of it. She would have to give up the house they bought, the new truck and everything that they got together as well as her pets. It is indeed a big sacrifice that is not easy to make. But is it worth wasting the rest of your life, being with someone as toxic as Mr. Joe ? I hope that one day she will have had enough that she will be able to leave him and be happy. I feel super bad for her. She seem so much happier when he is not around. I had hope that she would have a happy life. She is my sister and of course i feel protective of her, but at the same time, i cannot force her to do something she doesn’t want or is willing to do. She is stuck in a bad relationship with a toxic narcissist and she is the perfect victim for a person like that.

I personally can admit when i am wrong with my husband and i will also apologize for things i may have said, or did that were wrong. But with these people there is absolutely nothing at all, that anyone could ever say, to make them see the light of day. It is an impossible task, you cannot reason with these people, they can’t be wrong ever, they refuse to admit their faults, they will never apologize. My sister being a victim, is always defending him and making excuses for him, not realizing what she is doing. It’s frustrating to watch her being stuck like that and not being able to do anything to help her. She is an adult and she can make her own decisions. Unfortunately, the only thing we can do, is let them learn. Maybe one day, once they realize that no one wants anything to do with them because of their behaviors (which i highly doubt would happen unfortunately) then maybe these people can be happy. Or maybe they are happy being just the way they are, like Mr Joe who has a grip on a nice young woman that he can control mentally.

This is the third person and time, that i cut off a toxic person out of my life and i am hoping that it is the last. They are absolutely insufferable and impossible to bear. I say to you out there who is living with one, there is no way to help a person that doesn’t want help because they don’t think anything is wrong with them. I sure did, get help for myself and it was the very best thing I ever did for myself, mental well being, and my marriage. Now my husband and I, are in a very happy relationship. We tell each other everything. When there is a problem, we talk about it. He is very supportive, understanding and I love how he is the voice of reason when something upset me. He really knows how to make me feel better and we have very good, grown up conversations. It is not perfect all the time, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m finally happy in my life, where I am and I won’t let anyone else spoil that for me.

For anyone out there dealing with a toxic person, I hope that you can find it in your heart to be able to think about yourself and do what is right for yourself, mental health, and well being. We only have one life. Don’t let anyone spoil that for you. Be as happy as you can. You are important and your happiness is too!